It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize
