Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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