how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
