pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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