ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
