This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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