that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
