i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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