Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
