someone threw a dead crab at me
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
