we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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