so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
