I cannot find my penis.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
