You're completely useless in the revolution.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
