woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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