i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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