do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
