You just made me feel so damn special
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
