hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
It's official drugs can't kill me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We had sex on a dog bed..
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
