Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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