Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
