first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
