I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just invented taco cereal.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
