ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
