I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Randomize
