the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
