did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
