I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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