I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
