I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
