I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
