She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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