I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
