need another drink. this is the easiest way
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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