he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
