New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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