My Higher Power is John Stamos
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
