seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
