God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I am puke
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My balls are so social today.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
