Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
