We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
