You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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