I think I just saw someone hide a body.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
