Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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