yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
