I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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