True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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