I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we're making bets on your personal life
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
