I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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