i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
