you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
